2022 is wrapping up, and aishwaryam aayit we’ll be escorting you to 2023 with your Nakshatraphalam for 2023. Sure, you might not really believe in it and haters might even say it’s fake. You’re completely right about that, but if anything, 2022 has made everyone a lot more immune to bullshit with Aarattu, Monster, Jack n Jill testing our sanity in a row. So like we had mentioned last year, if you question this absolutely (un)researched and (un)authentic zodiac predictions, daivam vann kannu kuthi pottikyum!
Here are some dialogues from Malayalam movies that summarise your 2023.
Aries (March 21–April 19)
The first half of your 2023 is predicted to be all “Chanduviney tholpikkaan ningalkavilla.” Then with the same confidence it would go on to the second half saying, “Jeevitathil Chanduviney tholpichittundu… palarum… palavattom…” Like every other year, if you walk around like chathikyapetta chanthu, oru pani’yum nadakaan ponnilla.
In 2023: Don’t go overboard and end up turning your life around from thriller to horror padam.
Taurus (April 20–May 20)
“Ippo sheriyakithara… ippo sheriyakithara”
Ee kolavum onnum sheri aavuna pole thonnunilla. Unless, obviously, if you actually stop procrastinating and get some shit done. But that is in clear violation of your life motto and “very tired for today” vibe. But hey, we’re still rooting for the mechanic Sulaiman in you and hope that you’d get to move around some nut’um bolt’um in 2023.
In 2023: For every 5 second of pani you did, stop eating 5 parippu vada and 15 chaaya
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Gemini (May 21–June 21)
“Enthino vendi thilakyuna sambar“
Precisely the swabhavam of a thilakyuna sambar. Enthina, ethina enn ariyilla but thilakyunund. Might be for a kalyana sadya, might be for a pathinaar adiyantharam, you just never know with Gemini’s. But then again, there’s no aaghosham without you either. So this year maybe stick to lesser mood swings and maybe we’ll have a kalyana veedu remain as a kalyana veedu, and an adiyanthara veedu as an adiyantharu veedu.
In 2023: Sambar’n ethokke pachakari venam enn chodikyumbo kayyil ollath ellam ang thatti kodukille? Try not doing that with your ellam 5 minute kazhiyumbo olla mood.
Cancer (June 22–July 22)
“Namukku chodichu chodichu pokaam.”
Oru disha bodham illenki polum, your “chodichu chodichu povaam” attitude has taken you to places. What kind of places? We’ll keep that discussion off the table. While on some days you’re one clueless soul, on other days your head is busy writing way too many stories (sometimes those that even makes Sagar Kottapuram go crazy.) So while kudos to creativity’de ange attam, ee kolam take it a little easy on yourself and others too.
In 2023: Kabadi nerathals and homam nadathals are not decision-makers. Use your creativity (ee kolam enkilum).
Leo (July 23–August 22)
“Nyanoru vikara jeeviyaan”
The world’s a stage and Leo people are the KP Ummer in it. Drama follows you regardless of you liking it or not, and 99.9% of the time that drama is probably you. Since 2023 would hopefully be peaceful for the rest of the signs, one can always count on you to unleash your vikara bharitham aaya rodhanangal and ruin that peace. So you do you Ummer!
In 2023: Make sure to carry a kanyi-vellam mukkiya vella juba just in case you’d have to make a quick costume switch when someone asks you to stop being dramatic.
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Virgo (August 23–September 22)
“Ithalla ithinapparam chaadi kadannavananee K.K. Joseph!”
2020 aayalum 2022 aayalum, aathmavishwasam kayy vidathavar. Unlike their confidence, their grip on life is rather kayy vitta sambhavam. Pakshe chaadi chaadi poyaalum, erany poyaalum, ethenda sthalath ETA vech ethikolum. As you slide into 2023, remember to thank yourself for keeping you alive so far because you took absolutely no one else’s advice even if your life depended on it.
In 2023: Channel your “Ayin?” energy for everytime someone brings a logical argument.
Libra (September 23–October 23)
“Makeup’in okke oru paridhi illedey?”
Work’il alla, look’il aan kaaryam enn vijarikyuna variety janmangal. Ee kolavum onnenki scroll cheyth allenki trial room’il poyi poyi saphalam aakan olla ellam saadhyatha kaanunund. No salesman or credit card statements can stop you from living your life to the fullest. Which truly shouldn’t have been the case considering how you’re somedays an extreme version of YOLO.
In 2023: Try not taking along #dhananashtam into the new year.
Scorpio (October 24–November 21)
“Ayye ithilum nalla per Kerala Congress’kaark undallo“
Illatha per polum kalany polikyaan midukar. You would have to do absolutely nothing, and some or the other maaranam would come your way. But you’ve probably managed to develop an even more unhealthy coping mechanism against all of it by now. So technically speaking, you’ve got Secretariat’l irikyaan olla ella qualifications. Aarenkilum parathi’yum kond vanna, there’s nobody better than you who can pull off the vanishing act.
In 2023: Get yourself the trending ghost costume (AKA acchan’de alakki vecha mund), so that you won’t have to explain why you ghosted someone right from the start of 2023.
Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)
“Kittiya Ootty, allenkil chatti!”
An optimistic bunch who believe that bhaagyam can come across even in the form of vada pothinya kondu vanna paper. Not sure how many vada’s would have to be sacrificed until then, but surely that has never come your way before.
In 2023: You would seek advice from others, and then proceed with your plan because you’re an ara-kirukk that way.
Capricorn (December 22–January 19)
“Pettan nyan adhirthi’l aanen orth poyi”
Jeevitham oru yuddhakalam aanen parany ellardeyum porath bomb eriny pottikyunath aan ivarde main. You’re aggressively competitive to the extent where people think that voluntarily lying on an active minefield is easier than having to deal with your adhirthi poraatam. This year you may expand your battle region to newer spaces such as appazhte veetil kuzhiyil kaalum neeti vechirikyunna ammachi to possibly even antharashtra football player’de rip-off jersey itt nadakkuna piller teams.
In 2023: Spotify relaxing playlists are a thing you might want to try.
Aquarius (January 20–February 18)
“Oolatharam ettuvaangan Seban’de jeevitham bhaaki”
People think you are verum oru oola, what they don’t see is that deep down ningal athine kaal 10× oola aan. 2023’il oru scene’um ingott vannilenki polum, angott poyi ettuvaangan kodi’yum pidich nilkum. Your jaathakam says you’re a free-spirit, pakshe the only spirit you will be seeing for a while will be from Kerala government vaka beverages corporation. So enjoy the trip while it lasts, and iniyum oolatharam medich kootaan vazhi undakiko.
In 2023: I would suggest therapy but you’d probably go there to vibe as well.
Pisces (February 19–March 20)
“Purappettu…purappettu…purappettittu ara manikoor aayi”
Evide ethi enn maathram chodikyaruth because their minds are probably still spaced out around 2020 and will take a while to enter 2023. But whichever rock age their minds continue to exist in, ee nakshatrakaar are the kindest of all. Sometimes they may take a meen kuny out of the vellam thinking that it’s drowning, but it’s still out of the kindest intentions.
In 2023: Set your clock ara manikyoor early, and actually reach someplace on time.
So that’s all the Nakshatraphalam you have for 2023. If you’ve got any more life, education, career, “ee kolam Canada’ky povaan pattumo?” related chodyangal, ingaatek ini nokkanda. We’ll just leave you with one last piece of advice as you step into 2023 – “Thalararuth raman kutty, thalararuth.”