How To Fake Being A True-blue Malayali In 7 Easy Steps

Being a Malayali is a vigaram. That’s exactly why many people love the whole Malayali culture and even try to emulate it sometimes. Here’s how you can turn into a true-blue Malayali in just a few seconds (or minutes):

Step 1: Wear a Mundu

How To Fake Being A True-blue Malayali In 7 Easy Steps

If you want to fit in with the true-blue Malayali crowd, you gotta wrap yourself up in a mundu. Don’t worry if you’re not used to wearing a skirt – the mundu is just like a giant towel you wrap around your waist. But beware – if you don’t tuck it in correctly, you might end up flashing more than your ankle. So make sure you secure that mundu tight, or you’ll be in for an embarrassing wardrobe malfunction! 

Also Read: Who Is A Malayali?

Step 2: Master the art of slurring Malayalam (or speak like a drunk ammavan!)

To blend in with the Malayali crowd, you gotta master the art of slurring Malayalam like a drunk uncle at a family wedding. Start by learning common phrases like “Ah enthoke ind” (how are you) and “Onnum venda” (I don’t want anything), and then practice saying them with a heavy dose of alcohol in your system. Bonus points if you can roll your ‘r’s like a true Malayali – but don’t worry if you can’t, just pretend like you’re gargling mouthwash and you’ll fit right in. Remember, the key to speaking Malayalam like a true-blue Malayali is to have fun and not take yourself too seriously – after all, that’s what the Kerala spirit is all about!

Step 3: Guzzle down lots of alcohol (or chaya with a kick!)  

How To Fake Being A True-blue Malayali In 7 Easy Steps

Kerala is known for its love of tea, but let’s be real – what they really mean is “chai with a kick.” To fit in, make sure you guzzle down copious amounts of alcohol throughout the day. Bonus points if you can make a cup of chai with just the right amount of rum and spices. Who needs milk and sugar when you can have a boozy tea party all day long in Kerala? Just remember to pace yourself – you don’t want to end up on the floor before noon!

Also Read: Are Malayalis Financially Literate?

Step 4: Develop a love for spicy food

If you want to fit in with the Malayali foodies, you gotta set your taste buds on fire with some seriously spicy food. Start by eating small amounts of spice and work your way up to fiery dishes like beef fry and fish curry. Don’t be afraid to sweat like a pig and have tears streaming down your face – that’s just a sign you’re doing it right! And if anyone asks if you’re okay, just give them a thumbs up and say “spice is life” with a smile. Who needs bland food when you can burn, baby, burn with the spicy dishes of Kerala? Just make sure you have a glass of water (or milk) nearby – you’re gonna need it!

Step 5: Act like you know everything about Onam

Onam is the biggest festival in Kerala, and if you want to fake being a true-blue Malayali, you gotta pretend like you’re an expert on it. Talk about the importance of pookalam (flower arrangements), the legend of King Mahabali, and the grand feast called Onam Sadhya like you’ve been celebrating it your whole life. But let’s be real – you probably have no idea what any of that means. So just wing it and hope for the best! Throw around some random Malayalam words like “onathappan” and “vallamkali” and nod your head like you know what you’re talking about. And if anyone asks you a question you can’t answer, just smile and say “it’s a long story” and change the subject. Who needs knowledge when you have confidence? Just remember, when it comes to Onam, fake it till you make it!

Step 6: Comment about the gold on the bride

How To Fake Being A True-blue Malayali In 7 Easy Steps

Because let’s face it, no Malayali gathering is complete without a discussion about the bride’s gold. Show off your fake knowledge about gold by commenting on the weight, design, and value of each piece. Make sure to act like you know what you’re talking about, even if you have no idea. Who cares if you can’t tell real gold from a fake one? Just keep the conversation going, and you’ll be the life of the party – or at least, the conversation about gold –  and you’ll be the ultimate fake Malayali. Congratulations, you’ve officially made it! (or have you?)

Must Read: When You’re Malayali, Everything is a Competition: A Take on the Malayali Mentality

Step 7: Add “Ente” and “Da” to Everything You Say

If you want to speak like a true-blue Malayali, then it’s time to add “ente” and “da” to everything you say. Even if you’re talking about the weather or ordering food, just throw those words in, and voila! You’ll be speaking like a local in no time. Don’t worry if people give you weird looks, that’s just their way of admiring your impeccable Malayalam skills.

Congratulations, you’ve successfully learned how to fake being a true-blue Malayali in six easy steps! Now you can proudly wear your mundu (just don’t forget to tuck it in), drink copious amounts of chai (or maybe some toddy if you’re feeling adventurous), speak broken Malayalam, sweat profusely after eating some spicy food, act like you know everything about Onam, and obsess over the gold on the bride. But remember, being a true-blue Malayali is not just about the outer appearance or cultural cliches, it’s about the heart and soul of the community. So if you really want to blend in, you might want to consider getting a Malayali friend or two, learning some dance moves (Kerala style!), and of course, embracing the joy and warmth of the culture. And if all else fails, just remember to smile, nod, and say “venda” (don’t want) – because that’s the ultimate Malayali response. Thank you for reading, and happy faking (or trying)!

Rishika Sunit
Hi there! I'm Rishika. When it comes to scribbling, I reckon words have more muscle than Popeye! I love to educate, tickle the funny bone, and get folks all fired up. And let me tell you, turning big-brain stuff into simple, easy-to-digest sentences is my superpower! I'm thrilled to have this space to connect with like-minded individuals and to continue learning and growing together. Thank you for visiting my page!

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