Dating apps have been popular in India for a while now. I wanted to try it too, given my lack of time for organic social interactions. The one that was recommended to me the most was Bumble. One fine evening, I decided to create an account. I was told to add some good pictures, fill out all the prompts and write a punchy bio. I did. And I was swiping!
For the uninitiated, Bumble works on swipe dynamics, much like its cousin Tinder. If you like a profile, swipe right. If not, swipe left. If you swipe right on X, and X swipes right on you, congrats! You have matched with X, and can now start a conversation.
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My criteria for swiping right was simple – if I found something interesting in their profile that would lead to a good conversation, I would swipe right. After about an hour of swiping, I went to bed. I woke up the next day, expecting 4-5 matches and maybe a few likes. Surprise surprise! 0-0. Damn, that destroyed me.
I started swiping again and saw a familiar face, that of a friend. I noticed that she just had a few details filled out, and just 2 photos. I texted her, saying I saw her on Bumble and she should probably update her profile if she wanted matches. She didn’t say anything and sent me a screengrab of her Bumble account. She had 2000+ likes, and apparently, she created the account just the previous day. That’s when I really got destroyed! And I wanted to figure out how dating apps work.
Here’s the harsh reality – online dating is hard!
Online dating (or OLD) has been around for quite some time now. Starting with match.com and eHarmony in the 90s, we have come a long way with Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, OkCupid, Plenty of Fish, Grindr, Boo, Schmooze, Aisle, Arike, just to name a few. While the online dating scene has evolved, one thing has stayed constant – OLD is hard. Sure, some aspects may be easier for a particular gender. But when it comes to landing a good date, and maybe taking it further, it is quite challenging for all.
| Note: This article mostly deals with Bumble and Hinge, and straight dating. Same-sex or queer dating is a whole different scenario and is out of the scope of this article. |
Why do men get fewer matches?
Now, one common complaint is that men get very few matches on dating apps. May it be Tinder, Bumble or Hinge, women seem to get a lot more likes without putting much effort into creating their dating profiles.
The fact of the matter is that this is largely a mathematical issue. If you assume that everyone swipes right 50% of the time, and there are an equal number of men and women on the app, you’re way off. In reality, roughly 60-70% of people on dating apps are men. These numbers are worse in India. This messes up the like and match numbers more than you’d expect.
Secondly, the right swipe ratio is more skewed than you’d think. Men swipe right on every third profile they see, and women only swipe right on every sixteenth profile they see on average. Again, I would assume the percentages are more skewed in India.
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The simple fact of the matter is that the numbers are just not in your favour if you are a man. And this doesn’t mean that women are superficial, just that they have more options to choose from.
Also, most women aren’t active on dating apps like men are. A combination of all these factors leads to your profile being sent to the bottom stack of the 1000s on someone’s dating app dashboard. And it’s quite possible they already found a compatible mate within the first few of the profiles on their stack, and have now gone off the app. You were just unlucky. Or were you?
The algorithm is an asshole!
Forget the numbers for a moment, have you felt like the algorithm is working against you? Before we delve into that…what is an algorithm?
An algorithm is a series of steps or instructions to solve a problem. The word has come to become associated with social media platforms like Instagram, YouTube and dating apps, and how the ‘algorithm’ has screwed up everything. In the context of Instagram, the algorithm is the series of steps or the ‘logic’ behind constructing a user’s feed – Deciding what next to show to that person. The same idea translates to dating apps as well. They all employ some sort of matchmaking algorithms to show the next person on your ‘stack’.
Bumble has kept mum on any talks related to its algorithm, so we don’t have much data. Hinge apparently uses a variation of the Nobel-prize-winning Gale-Shapley algorithm to do the matchmaking with some AI enhancements (surprise surprise 😛). The Gale-Shapley algorithm is a matchmaking algorithm which matches elements from two sets of equal size in such a way that the final pairs are stable.
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But while we blame the algorithm, we forget the most important aspect of dating apps – their business model. Ultimately, these apps have to make revenue. There are many ways of monetising a dating app – affiliate marketing and paid ads, subscription plans, in-app purchases, premium feature upgrades and many more.
Naturally, these apps would prefer more users and more engagement. This is tricky because it works both ways. When a successful relationship or maybe a marriage happens because of a dating app, that story can motivate a lot of users to join the app. So there is an incentive for the app to let people find perfect mates, and to “delete” the app after.
This is why paid features are such a thing in dating apps – it is probably the best way to extract the most ‘business’ from you. The paid features promise you a ‘jump ahead’ or ‘bypass’ to the algorithm. This differs across apps but largely gives you an unlimited number of likes to send out, keeps your likes at the top, gives you more filters, etc. to give you more control of the algorithm.
Needless to say, women rarely need to use these features, because their problems are different.
Women face a whole different set of problems
The sheer number of likes and matches they get is overwhelming, to say the least. And this is not always a good thing. Out of the 1000s of likes they get, a large number are of people they find creepy. And so they have a hard time wading through the huge pile of trash to pick someone compatible.
Once matched, converting the match to a date is a whole different story altogether. Holding conversations is a skill most of us guys lack. And when things don’t work out, there’s the stalking. I’ve heard multiple stories from friends of how guys, they’ve unmatched with, found them on Instagram and bugged them there. So while women do get a lot of likes, which can be a boost to one’s self-esteem, they ultimately have to deal with a whole different pile of problems.
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Seems like both men and women are having a hard time with dating apps. But despite all the hate and frustration, a very large number of people use dating apps! Why is that?
It’s all a game!
If you think about it, there is a lot of gamification in dating apps. Every profile is almost like a commodity with a price and desirability tag rather than an actual human being. The swiping process is so damn addictive, almost like a casino slot machine which keeps you hooked though you know that the chances of hitting the jackpot are one in a million.
Even the ‘stack’ of profiles is analogous to a deck of cards, isn’t it? Whether you’d swipe left to the ‘discard’ pile or swipe right to keep it in your hand, similar to a lot of card games. It is easy to get addicted to these apps, especially when they supposedly hold the key to a very emotional idea – romance, love, or companionship. All logic stops working at that point.
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And for a lot of people, dating apps could be a means of validation. They might not be interested in a relationship, going on a date, or even a conversation. The sheer number of likes/matches they have would give a major boost to their ego, and bragging rights (I wonder with whom). If you’re getting likes, why would you stop? Similarly, although you don’t have any matches now, what if the next right swipe gives you the love of your life? The circle goes on. So should we all abandon dating apps?
How to win the dating apps game
While meetups, workshops and other events like singles mixers are possibly a better way to connect organically with people – romantically or otherwise, not everyone can go for these. Dating apps do have their place and need not be frustrating, provided you understand the situation (scientifically, if I am not wrong 😛).
For people who find it hard to get matches and likes, a probably healthy way to use dating apps is to do it without expecting an outcome. Understand that rejections are quite common in dating apps. Your physical appearance and attributes play a much bigger role in dating apps than in the real world. Especially in a dating app where the first impressions are made with photos, you can’t expect to have a lot of matches if all you have are selfies taken from unflattering angles.
And even if you do get matches, there can be instances of ghosting, sporadic responses, unmatching after a bit of talking, etc. Understand that all of this is common. In most cases, it has nothing to do with you (unless you were a total creep on chat). We often forget that other people’s lives are as complex and busy as ours, and they owe nothing to us – especially on a dating app.
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Now, I am not going to don the dating coach hat and start giving you tips, and I don’t think I am qualified for that either. But from my own experience and the people I have talked to who had success (matches leading to dates and relationships), the best way to deal with dating apps is: to ask yourself “What do I want from this?” and tailor your profile for that.
There are countless guides available on the internet on how to set up your dating profile. Follow any of these and put in some effort. As for usage, keep using it regularly for a few minutes every day making conscious choices. Keep experimenting with photos, prompts, etc. And when it gets to you, take a break.
Make sure that you’re taking care of yourself during this journey. This includes having a healthy diet and regular exercise, practising mindfulness, working towards your life goals, etc. Work on yourself until you’re confident enough to be yourself (damn, I sound like a motivational speaker. Scratch that last sentence!).
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In conclusion, while I agree that dating apps have disrupted the idea of love and romance in recent times, they’ll add to your life only if you use them healthily and mindfully.
